When The Stars Go Blue
by Stardust585
Summary: “You’re not going to let me in, are you?” comes her whisper. He looks up at her, surprise and regret clear in his eyes. “You’ve got your armour back on,” she states sorrowfully. SMacked one-shot


**When The Stars Go Blue**

**Summary**: "You're not going to let me in, are you?" comes her whisper. He looks up at her, surprise and regret clear in his eyes. "You've got your armour back on," she states sorrowfully and lowers her head. SMacked one-shot

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything. This is only a fan fiction story. CSI:NY and all the characters are the property of Anthony Zuiker and CBS. I'm just a fangirl who can't resist playing with their wonderful creations:-)

**A/N:** Just a little piece that came to my mind while listening to a duet by Andrea Corr and Bono entitled _When The Stars Go Blue_**. **It wouldn't let go until I wrote it down;) The story's a tad different from what I've done before and I hope it makes sense - either way, please be kind, I'm kinda nervous posting this;) But I guess it's just something I needed to write to lift my melancholy SMacked mood as of late...I do hope it'll lift yours as well:)

**Enjoy!**

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Stella comes to stand in the middle of one of the wide paths paving their concrete way through the green expanses of Central Park. It's dark, it's almost midnight and it's eerily quiet. The only light that helps her discern the shapes looming around is the glimmer of stars high above and the distant blinking of the skyscraper jungle surrounding the oasis of green in its middle.

A lifetime New Yorker, she takes a while to appreciate the sight of the sparkling dots littering the sky above her. It is not a usual sight in the polluted sky above the Big Apple, where the city lights blur out all but the most intense stars and completely drown out the heavenly variety. This night, however, the Milky Way can be seen in its full glory. Stella smiles to herself as she discerns the shining beacon of the northern skies, the Vega, and many fainter stars gracing the sky. To the east, the familiar cheese-like surface of the Moon shines with a white silvery beauty while further away a star-spangled Mars seems to be blinking at her. The serenity of the heavenly spheres above seems to pour down onto the world around her. It's peaceful and quiet, the air is infused with the smell of fresh grass and the spring night breeze caresses her cheeks and stirs her unruly hair.

Then the air becomes still in silent anticipation. Even the wind subsides and the whole nature seems to hold its breath.

Then it begins.

The sky seems to come alive in a hundred places at once as a shower of bright points detaches itself from a bigger shining point, a comet, and shoots through the sky like rockets. Stray flakes of comet dust, which people see as falling stars, enter Earth's atmosphere only to crush and burn in glamorous streaks of light, leaving traces of orange and gold that linger on the black blanket of the night sky.

She can't help but stare at the beauty of the asteroid shower. The Lyrids, they are called, and they have travelled a long way from the distant Lyra constellation to make this evening one of the most beautiful she has ever experienced. A certain Greek myth comes to her mind. She remembers the heart-breaking fate of the great poet and musician, master of the lyre, Orpheus, and his love, Eurydice. When he played the lyre, the gods fell silent and stones wept. Every man, woman and child loved him but he loved only one, his wife. When she died, he dared death and hell itself to retrieve her. He descended to the black depths of the Underworld and challenged the mighty Hades himself. Eventually he failed in his attempts and Eurydice was claimed back by the kingdom of the dead. So struck down was he by his loss, that he purposefully spurned maenads who in their anger tore him into pieces. After his death, the muses carried his beloved lyre to the skies where it resides until today.

Stella looks up at the constellation and imagines she understands the loneliness Orpheus must have felt when he was so cruelly deprived of the one person he loved most in his life.

Suddenly loneliness seems like heavy, leaden weights on her shoulders and she gasps. Suppressed tears threaten to finally overwhelm her but she holds them off. She isn't a crying type, no wilting flower, and never has been, but sometimes even the hard-as-nails detective is allowed to have a private moment of vulnerability when she faces all that she normally keeps bottled up deep inside. When all the stuff she hasn't dealt with surfaces and brings out her weak side to the fore. As the eclectically hypnotizing spectacle continues, her thoughts wander and, as they so often do these days, quickly focus on one thing. Her one weak side.

She shakes her head as if a simple gesture could disperse her gloomy thoughts. This isn't a place she would imagine herself going to clear her mind but she needs to get some perspective and to feel that she is a part of something way bigger. She traces the paths of one of the falling stars with a wistful look and her scattered thoughts form into one single sentence in her mind...

"Making a wish?" comes a gentle voice from behind. A voice she knows better than her own.

She takes a moment before turning around to face him. She doesn't want him to see that she is having a weaker moment. She finally manages to plaster a smile onto her lips and turns to face Mac, who has come to stand less than a feet from her. Eyebrows knitted together, he thoughtfully gazes at the stars for a moment before returning his gaze to scrutinize her countenance. She knows that nothing escapes him and that her attempts at hiding the tear stains on her cheeks or the slight tremor in her voice are futile.

"Maybe," she replies vaguely, regaining full composure. "How about you, Mac?" she challenges in a soft tone. "Anything you'd want to wish from a star?"

He holds her gaze before answering and she feels her stomach start doing excited somersaults. The moonlight is turning his ocean-blue irises into a deep navy-blue colour which underscores the intensity and tenderness his eyes offer her. She feels electrical sparks jump between them and she knows he feels it, too. But then he lowers his gaze and the moment is lost.

"I don't believe in such things, Stella," he huffs breaking the silence she's offering him.

"Ah, of course," she purses her lips, mischievous sparks dancing in her eyes despite her disappointment. "Always the scientist."

He clears his throat and arches an eyebrow at her.

"I thought you were one, too."

It's her turn to huff. "I am but that doesn't mean I have to relinquish my imagination, does it?"

"Of course not, Stell, but seriously," he shakes his head. "As beautiful as they are," he motions at the sky. "These are just pieces of space rock burning down to ash in the lower strata of the atmosphere...They don't make wishes come true."

"Wet blanket," she wrinkles her nose giving him a teasing half-smile. "You can be such a smug show-off sometimes, you know, Taylor," she adds with a light chuckle.

"I view it as one of my finer qualities," he quips.

"Well, I can see where it comes in handy in dealing with killers and gang-members," she says keeping a straight face. "So that's why you win all the popularity contests down at Rikers," she teases.

He shoots her a sideways glance.

"I try for it not to go to my head or anything, though," he says with mock modesty.

"Right," she chuckles. Then the smile dies on her lips and she looks back upwards. "Is it really that strange that I want to believe in them?"

"Um...no," he says in confusion at her sudden change of mood. "It's just...," he pauses in search of the right word. "New. A side of you I haven't seen before."

"Maybe you just weren't looking close enough," she replies wistfully.

"Stell...What's going on?" he asks, his words laced with worry. "Why are you here?"

She gives him a long look before answering.

"I need something to believe in, Mac."

"The _stars_?" he asks incredulously.

She shrugs. It's an elegant and graceful gesture, one he has always loved to watch her make, yet this time he finds it strangely heart-breaking when he connects it with the unusual lucidity of her eyes.

"It simply shows how little I've got left to believe in," she says softly, her eyes never leaving his face.

For a moment she thinks he'll finally open up to her and talk to her like he once used to but his expression remains unreadable and she knows he's going to offer her another platitude so she cuts him off and tries a small smile.

"Anyways, how did you know where to find me?"

He's slightly taken aback by her cutting him off but he thinks he knows what's behind it. He's beginning to see that he's not the only one who's afraid of getting hurt. Or of hurting the other one.

"I was worried when you weren't home and didn't return my calls," he obliges her and replies to her question.

"So you just thought, 'Hey, it's the middle of the night and Central Park's only half a city away from the lab, so that's where she'll be'?" she asks with a hint of irony.

"My gut's usually good at this sorts of things but not that good," he chuckles. "I noticed the article about the asteroid shower on your desk and I saw you reading it before you left. Today is the best day to watch the Lyrids and this is the best place in Manhattan to do so, so when you didn't give any signs of life, I added two and two together," he ends his expalantion with a modest shrug as if it was all obvious and easy.

"Nice job, Sherlock," she laughs though in truth she's moved and impressed that he would go through so much trouble because he was worried about her not picking up her phone.

"And Adam might have helped a bit by calibrating your phone," he adds finally with a sheepish expression.

She furrows her eyebrows, "Don't you think that's a little..."

"Over the top? Paranoid?" he finishes for her with a sigh. "Yes, it is. But can you blame me? We need to talk..."

Mac lets his voice hang in the air as she folds her arms on her chest and gives him a tight-lipped expression.

"I need to..." he tries.

She raises her eyebrows expectantly.

Once again what he wants to say doesn't seem right. Nothing seems right. So he stays silent.

"You're not going to let me in, are you?" comes her whisper.

He looks up at her, surprise and regret clear in his eyes. He realizes how completely she has misinterpreted his reticence.

"You've got your armour back on," she continues sorrowfully and lowers her head. She has fought so hard to make him lower his defences and now she feels she doesn't have the strength to fight through his walls again.

After a silence that seems to last eternity she feels his fingers under her chin gently motion her face up so that she is forced to look back into his eyes.

He sees the pain and disappointment in her face and knows that he has let her down. Her comment about having little to believe in touched him to the core and he knows he has almost driven her away this time. How could he be so blind? How could he so ruthlessly take her for granted? And most of all, how could he stay silent for so long when she was the one to break him out of his self-imposed prison?

"I have no armour left," he finally confesses and sees something in her eyes change. "You've stripped it from me."

She remains silent and Mac is left to guess from the play of emotions on her face, which is made even more beautiful by the starlight sculpting her features in soft, delicate strokes.

"What was your wish?" he asks softly with a ghost of a smile hovering on his lips.

She blinks, taken off track by his unexpected question. She looks him in the eye a long time before she answers.

"Never to be lonely again."

The words, which only confirm his suspicions, cut like a knife. He takes her in his arms and she doesn't protest, burying her face in his shoulder.

"I'm so sorry," he whispers into her hair. "It's my fault."

"Mac," she pulls away a little to see his face. "The lab's having financial problems, you've had to let people go and I know how much work you've got right now. I perfectly understand..."

"No," he says, a decisive shake of his head underscoring his anger at himself. "No excuses, Stella. I have already once made the mistake of sacrificing my life and family because I was scared and unsure of myself. I've been holding myself back, trying to keep my distance and taking you for granted," his voice takes on a subdued note as he himself realizes how close he was to losing her. "No more, Stell. You'll never be alone again. Whatever is left of me, whatever I am, is yours. If you'll still have me, that is."

He takes her hand and looks at the band of gold adorning her slender ring finger. She follows his gaze and squeezes his hand. She was well aware beforehand of all Mac's flaws, fears and insecurities, and she knew their marriage wouldn't be a walk in the park. She knew the baggage they were both hauling along with them into their union. But she also knew she loved him with all that she was and he reciprocated her feelings. She hoped that it would be enough to see them through. A quarter of an hour before she thought herself a fool to think that. Now she knows she was right.

"Will you forgive me?" he asks. "I'm an insecure fool who doesn't know how lucky he is to have you in his life," he says mournfully in a defeated whisper, his shoulders hunched and his posture revealing he has already convinced himself into believing that she will send him away.

Like she ever could.

She cups his cheek with her hand.

"I love you, Mac Taylor," she whispers, her eyes threatening to overflow with tears.

Mac rakes her face with a searching gaze, surprise and incredulity lurking in his eyes. But the love and affection he sees in her face help dispel his doubts. He affectionately tucks a stray golden curl behind her ear and tenderly brushes her lips with his.

"I love you, too, Stella Taylor," he says when he pulls away after a long, long time.

Then he bends a little and places an equally loving kiss on her protruding belly.

"And I love you, baby Taylor," he whispers softly.

She feels the little one they are soon to bring into this world stir inside her at the sound of Mac's voice. She looks at the man who has always been, is now in this moment under the stars and will forever remain the love of her life. No matter the difficulties and problems along the way, she knows they will face them together and overcome them together, stronger and better.

He turns her around and brings her close so that her back rests on his chest. He protectively puts his arms around her and she lets the back of her head rest on his shoulder. Together they watch the bright torches lighting up the sky every once in a while, both of them silent.

"Wanna make another wish?" Mac whispers in a teasing tone.

She turns her head to the side so that she can look up into his face.

"No need anymore," she replies with sincere joy and a happy laugh escapes her lips filling the chilly night air with music of the heart.

Mac's baritone soon joins in and their voices merge into one harmonious melody that wanders up, up high into the sky until it reaches the falling stars.

_Where do you go when you're lonely _

_Where do you go when you're blue _

_Where do you go when you're lonely _

_I'll follow you _

_When the stars go blue..._

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**So, what did you think? ****Do let me know**** in a review – your opinions are highly valued!**

**A/N: In case anyone's interested, the Lyrids ****are one of the strongest meteor showers visible from Earth and can indeed be seen in April – the shower usually peaks on around April 22. It counts typically from 5 to 20 meteors per hour and is really a spectacular sight to beckon if you only have the resilience to stay up till the wee hours of the night;)**

**PS. My ****"Step By Step" was on a short hiatus but it's back on track, don't worry, and should be updated soon. I'm really sorry for the delay but RL has been really busy lately:/**


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